I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm like, not good at living.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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