All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
