Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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