just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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