I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
