he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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