i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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