He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
