Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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