he thought i was a dude.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
