Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
