yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
