I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
