No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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