Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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