you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
