So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
