I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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