Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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