SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
