your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
