I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
3pm strippers are depressing
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
