I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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