He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
