God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
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