they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
