seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
