Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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