After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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