She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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