dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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