Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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