I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
