Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
