Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
