May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
