matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
