I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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