mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
