I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
