note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
