My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Randomize
