i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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