dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
