we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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