Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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