I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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