I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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