I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
