This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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