U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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