how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
