You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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