My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
