the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
